Today is the dedication for the brand new Provo City Center Temple. Our church building is being used so members can watch the broadcast throughout the day and so our meetings were cancelled. I have had the past few hours to myself while everyone else napped. The house is so quiet. I feel like it’s been ages since it’s been this quiet. So, I took my time curling my hair and doing my makeup. And breathing and pondering.
Lately I’ve been thinking about the choice I made to stay home from a mission to get married. I had had a blessing from my dad as I tried to navigate my feelings. I remember standing in the laundry room with my parents trying to work up the courage to tell them that I had decided not to go to Brazil to serve a mission.
The judgement of others, particularly people who I love and admire, has been something I have feared my whole life. It has prompted me to feel distrust toward loved ones in the past and shut people out. As scared as I was, I knew I had to tell my parents that I couldn’t possibly leave on a mission. I had prayed about it and found that receiving a mission call was just part of opening my heart to the path the Lord had prepared for me. So, I tried my best to explain to my mom and dad what I was feeling in my heart.
My parents are wonderful and have always been very supportive. I’ve always imagined that my mom and dad could have felt some sort of parenting whiplash while I stumbled through that part of my life. But they never let on.
Toward the end of our discussion, my dad shared a thought with me. He told me that he knew I would never regret serving a mission, but that I could regret choosing not to.
I have been asked more than once if I regret not going. And I reflect on my dad’s council often.
The truth is, going to Brazil, teaching the Gospel, learning Portuguese… these are all things I would have loved to have done. But, in the past five and a half years I’ve figured a few things out.
Motherhood is a ministry. I am a missionary. The thought of ignoring what I felt in my gut when I prayed to God telling him I was going to serve a mission instead of getting married still makes me feel sick. I’m not saying that what my dad told me was wrong. Because he’s was absolutely right. I’ve just come to learn that my mission is to align my will with the Lord’s and to magnify my calling as a steward over the sweet spirits He sends to me.
I have been teaching the Gospel for the past four years and plan to continue doing so forever.
There is nothing stopping me from learning Portuguese.
And I’ll just go to Brazil later.